Someone once told me that it's best to write when you are in the moment. In this moment I'm not sure I have a lot to offer to those reading but I need a place to spill my thoughts...a place to let my heart overflow...a place that if by some chance a hurting person stumbles upon this, they will find it a soft place to rest.
Where do I begin? Do I begin by saying that this child has an older sibling in heaven? Do I begin by telling you how many nights I have gone to bed dreaming about watching my dear Zechariah hold his child for the first time? Should I tell you that I did everything right? I took my vitamins, I worked with a midwife, I did my best to stay positive. That is all passed. It is all unchangeable.
What hangs in the balance now is the life of my unborn child. A child that may already be lost but I have to just wait and see.
I guess the truth of the matter is I am not ready to live without baby yet. I'm not ready to say goodbye.
There were events we planned to go to this spring and I was so so looking forward to being pregnant. I know exactly how far along I will be/would have been at each event. Now the thought of going there without a child...well it breaks me.
Honestly, last night my heart shattered on the bathroom floor and I can't put it back together.
My husband'a heart is shattered and I hate not being able to fix this.
Today I asked God, how do I hope? What even is hope?! It feels like some cruel trick right now. So I went to the Bible. And I read. I read all the verses that contained the word "hope". I didn't now something could be so healing and heart wrenching at the same.
The tears...they flow freely. My cheeks are continually wet, even when I "have a grip" on my emotions. The tears simply flow. There is this strange sense of peace and comfort that comes and calms my soul despite the tears. I beg God to be near to me and I know, I really know that He is. His words quietly fill my brokenness..."don't lose hope" I can hear him saying it.
This morning I awoke and the bleeding continues. I awoke with the feeling that God wants me to let go now. Let go of my baby. Let go of my dreams. Let go of all the plans I had for this child. Let go of it all and let Him have them.
Tomorrow the midwife comes to my home. I like her. She is friendly and experienced. She is encouraging yet truthful. I've appreciated her help the past couple of days.
Tomorrow she wants to check my hormone levels so she will be sending a sample of my blood into a lab. Honestly, I don't like the idea of having my blood drawn but I'm more than willing if it means we might find answers.
She might try listening for the baby's heartbeat tomorrow as well. We heard the heartbeat on baby's 10 week birthday. It was one of the most beautiful moments I've lived. I've replayed that sound in my head as best as I can remember it. I so badly hope that I will hear that sound again tomorrow.
I know my chances are slim. I've had heavy to moderate bleeding for two days with large blood clots. I had terrible cramps/contractions the first evening, so much so that I stayed up until 4 am simply trying to breath through it. The odds are not into favor. I don't really care about the odds though. My heart is steadfast.
I won't stop hoping.
I asked my husband to describe today and he says it was a good day. God has given us peace. We're just waiting.
The midwife came this morning. As she prepared to draw blood I buried my face in Zechariah's hand...because honestly, I hate needles. She chatted with us for a while and assured us that she would let us know as soon as she gets the results.
I was hardly bleeding for most of the day and then I suddenly started bleeding a lot. This feels like an emotional roller coaster.
I can't fix this. That's it. I just can't fix this.
It is a helpless feeling that washes over you when you're doing all that you can and yet you feel like your child's life is slipping through your fingers. I'm trusting God. I'm not trusting that He will give me the live baby I pray for but that he will give me the strength to get through this.
There is the hope that maybe, just maybe baby has made it through all this. All we can do is wait and see how things progress. There is no certainty right now. There has been some serious stress on that little baby and if it is alive, it will be by nothing less than a pure miracle.
We decided to reach out to our friends and family when I started bleeding. I just have to say, we have been overwhelmingly blessed by the outpour of prayers and love for our family. I read through the comments, the emails, and the text messages and I know that God is doing something. I've never been in this position before and I don't know that I can properly express how grateful I am for each person in our lives right now.
4/20/15 @ 3:00
The midwife called. My blood results came back and indicated that baby had passed but that also my progesterone levels was the cause of all this.
I hate my body at this moment. Why can't it do what it's supposed to do? It's frustrating to know that this could have been prevented. It's heartbreaking to feel like I failed at motherhood.
The midwife sounded surprised that we even managed to get pregnant with my hormone levels. 2 weeks ago there was a beautiful healthy heartbeat and now I must say goodbye to my child.
I thank God for the life of this child. The joy that this child brought Zechariah and I is unspeakable. We rejoiced over this child's life daily. This was our miracle baby. Now baby is held in the arms of Jesus.
It's hard to know that I will never hold this child in my arms, never sing lullabies as it drifts to sleep, never see it take it's first steps...and probably the hardest part is knowing that I will never see Zechariah hold his baby.
I'm not sure how to move on. I'm not sure what the future holds for us. I hoping in his mercies and loving kindness. I am trusting in his will. I am thanking him for the children that he has blessed me with and I am yet to meet.