I have this dream, this dream that I've held onto since before I was married. My dream is that I will see my husband hold our newborn child, and tenderly place it into my arms. My dream is that I will see our little one fall into daddy's arms after taking it's first wobbly steps. My dream is that I will see our little one run into daddy's arms when he comes home from work. My dream is to softly tuck that child into bed each evening, and sing it soft lullabies as it drifts to sleep.
Yesterday Zechariah and I read a parable in Matthew. This young man comes to Jesus eager to learn how to enter into heaven, how to have a deeper relationship with him, and Jesus replies asking for the dearest thing that this man had. The man went away sorrowful knowing that to sacrifice all his riches would surely hurt.
I remember waking up on the second day of my bleeding and clearly hearing, "It's time. Give your child to me." There was such peace that morning and yet, such pain. Friends, God doesn't always ask of us to do what is easy, to give what is of little worth...Friends, sometimes He asks for our everything.
Friends, if you are being asked for everything, and it hurts, and you're simply terrified, listen to me. It is going to be okay. It hurts now but eventually you and I will both see the beauty He is molding out of our ashes.
I don't have it all together. Honestly, I am broken and confused. I don't know your pain and I certainly don't have the answers. This place is where I let my thoughts spill over. This place is my attempt to let someone out there know that they are not alone. Most importantly, this is a place that I feel safe to be raw and real.
What I am certain of is that time will heal this heart of mine and yours. I can already feel the Lord binding my heart and His words work as a salve. Working into all the shattered pieces of me and soothing the ache. I will not rush this healing. I have found myself drawing nearer to Him and eagerly waiting to be fed. I have found that this hurt of mine really is beautiful. For it has not destroyed me, but it has made me stronger. It has bound Zechariah and I together. It has made us truly seek God together and it is with confidence that I can say that God will...
"...give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified." Isaiah 61:3